SICK? THE SHOW MUST STILL GO ON

LAST Friday I was really sick and ended up lying on the toilet floor of a hotel in Bristol, but I knew I had to go onstage that night.

I don't get to "throw a sickie" in my job as a comedian - the show must go on!

Britain loses millions of working days each year due to the ever-present sickie-thrower in the workplace. And apparently, if throwing a sickie were a national sport, Scotland would win a gold medal in the forthcoming Commonwealth Games.

We in Scotland take more days off work for no good reason than our European counterparts.

There is even a dedicated website that can coach you on how to fake a sick day. It teaches you how to make your voice hoarse and gives you key phrases to help convince the boss you really do have a life-threatening illness for at least one day.

The best way to convince the management of your fake illness is to plan ahead. Come into work on Monday then on Tuesday, really throw your back into the acting of the illness.

Running to the toilet and gasping a lot works best. Anything that involves bowels is superb as people don't like details and you can be vague. Make loads of hand signals towards your backside and clutch your tummy. The embarrassment factor will work in your favour.

Take the Wednesday off, as it suggests you are genuine by not taking the Friday off to have a long weekend.

Come back to work the next day, but limp and moan at everyone, mention how quick food can pass through the system, give small but concise details about your bowel movements.

Really drag the symptoms out until the Friday but still go into work and then take the following Monday off and you can have that long weekend, guilt-free.

I recall when I owned a bar in Glasgow, my staff used to come up with wonderful excuses for getting out of a weekend late shift. My favourite was a male barman who actually used the excuse: "I cannot come into work tonight, Janey. I have had so many one-night stands with all the female married customers in your pub that I am terrified to serve their husbands in case they suspect. Can I do the day shifts from now on?"

But the worst is when a staff member lies through their teeth about dangerous illnesses and fabricates serious tests that need to be carried out when in fact it's all a big excuse. A friend of mine worked with a man who managed to have a cancerous testicle completely removed four times over a three-year contract with her company. I think his underestimation of her ability to count was why he got sacked.

The serious side to staff that shirk the workload is that other members of the team have to take up the slack. This can cause all sorts of resentments in the workplace.

But as well as the UK having a workforce that takes the odd extra day off, we are also over-stressed about our jobs. Recent surveys show that here in Britain we collectively work millions of unpaid overtime hours - and there are people who work longer for no extra pay through fear over their job security.

Some companies encourage unpaid extra hours within the workforce as showing commitment to their career. This can leave many people extremely stressed and missing out on social and family life, just to cling to their jobs.

Some staff will stay late at work to finish that report or sit at their laptop till midnight finishing off this presentation, so in one respect, they do deserve the odd not-quite-sick day off with that kind of workload on their shoulders.

I myself cannot throw a sickie. I am self-employed, with no-one to cover. I'm a stand-up comic - people have made an effort to attend the show and it can be incredibly difficult to let them down when they have paid to see you specifically.

During the Edinburgh Fringe in 2006, I ate sushi and suffered an anaphylactic reaction. I ended up in an Accident & Emergency department being pumped full of adrenalin but, 40 minutes later, went on stage and performed a show.

At least I had a tale to tell when I got there: illness isn't necessarily a hindrance in my business, it's a source of material.

BACKING BROTHELS SPICES UP WI RECIPE BOOK

FORGET jam making and cake baking, the Women's Institute has backed a movement to legalise brothels.

The women who are normally associated with quilt-making and whist drives have started a campaign to help support and protect women who work as prostitutes.

They were appalled at the deaths last year of the young drug-addicted sex workers in Ipswich and made licensing brothels the subject of their motion for debate at the autumn meeting of the Hampshire WI Federation, which has 6,000 members.

It's good to see that women are supporting other women less fortunate than themselves, despite class and culture.

The women from the shires deserve applause for bringing up an issue that the government is too stubborn to address.

I may even join my local branch now that I know they are bordering on political. I just hope they don't ask me to pose naked with my buns.

TODDLERS ARE SUICIDAL

I HAVE come to the conclusion that toddlers are suicidal. My great-niece Julia is a year old - and terrifying to watch.

She is angelic in beauty but horribly scary as she tries to toddle around on shaky wee fat legs that look like croissants. She almost takes an eye out on every table corner, tries to climb out of every window and managed to open the cupboard under my kitchen sink and grab a securely closed bottle of bleach which she immediately shoved into her mouth.

We can't get her to eat cabbage or apples, but she will try to glug down hazardous materials. I finally locked her into the high chair and gave her a wooden spoon to bang. When she left my home, I slept for hours, exhausted.

I am surprised my own child lived till adulthood.

PRIDE AND PAIN, BUT JUSTICE FINALLY CAME

I WATCHED Rose Gentle weep on the steps of the court in Oxford last Wednesday when the news broke that the coroner had declared her son was killed due to negligence by the British Army and I cheered and wept at the same time.

She called me and said: "Janey, just knowing we were proved right was overwhelming. I can finally breathe out now. It was a fight worth doing and I feel my son can finally rest in peace."

Rose Gentle is eternally proud of her son. She was proud he was a soldier but she was disgusted at the government who were supposed to protect her teenage boy.

They neglected to do so.

She finally did get justice for Gordon.