WEST LOTHIAN ANSWER IS STOP HAVING A GO

I HAVE been living and working in London for the past week: one that has seen more 'Jock bashing' in the media than ever before it seems. There has been a big furore in the English press lately about 'getting rid of Scotland'.

English MPs are calling for Scottish MPs to have no say on any English policies and I actually agree with this. Why should we have a say when we don't let them interfere with Scottish policies? The West Lothian Question is a veritable Rubik's cube of pernickety politics that will take more than a Scottish stand-up comic to solve.

But this latest clatter on the Caledonians is bordering on racism.

The Daily Mail had an article that shouted 'Jocks Away!' and pointed out how we in Scotland get free eye care and dental check ups, access to cancer care that is denied to the English. Elderly Scots get free residential care and students in Scotland get free tuition at university which is also free to EU students but barred to the English.

All of the above is true enough, but didn't we share our North Sea oil with the English?

To make matters worse, Jackie Stewart piped up from his tax haven in Switzerland to add his halfpenny's worth about Scottish people refusing to work in the service industries. He used to work at his father's petrol station. Well, good for him. I am sure it has its benefits when you work in a family business. Try working in a hotel or supermarket for a minimum wage nowadays: it's back-breaking and the hours are long.

The English workforce does not take too well to the service industries either; I have yet to stay in a hotel in England and meet an English porter, barmaid, housekeeper or receptionist. The majority of these jobs are snapped up by Polish or other Eastern Europeans who have taken over these positions in the UK and good for them. People who travel to Britain to work should be welcomed.

Last week, as I sat in his cab, a chirpy Cockney cab driver told me: "Good old Kelvin MacKenzie loves to give them Scotch a bashing - you lot are really tight and can't work a day, he says."

If it hadn't been raining, I would have walked to the comedy gig in Forest Hill.

"Does them crowds understand you OK then, darling?" he further queried when I told him I was a stand-up comic going to a gig. "I mean when you speak and that... What with your funny accent..."

It would have been nice if the cab man had a grasp of his own accent and language before he made a racist comment about mine.

"No, absolutely no-one understands a word I say. It becomes embarrassing when I have to do the show in the medium of physical theatre and dance. And then, to make matters worse, baldy-headed insignificant Cockney cab drivers always misunderstand me and they seem to have no grasp on my accent whatsoever... But at least they know when they are not getting a tip."

The journey was quiet after that. The gig went really well and everyone enjoyed the show. There was an Irish, and English and Scottish comic and no-one had to do finger puppets to be understood. I get the feeling that journalists get sticky and scared mentioning immigration problems for fear of being seen as racist, but giving the Scots a kick in the backside doesn't quite seem as bad as slagging off some Romanian gypsies when the 'coming here and sponging off us' argument raises its ugly head.

The Scots I know in London are entrepreneurial, creative and very strong on the work ethic. (My best mate Monica works more hours than the coal miners that she's descended from in Blantyre and she does it all in high heels as a high-powered, self-employed PR in Chelsea.)

I love London and I don't mind admitting it, but the English/Scottish hate relationship does swing both ways. We in Scotland need to get over the big fat greasy chip we have on our shoulder and show those racist nutters that we are a cosmopolitan, creative, hard-working bunch who can adapt, work and thrive in any country and get along with other people.

England and Scotland are different. They have different kinds of people, similar problems and a shared government. Let's all agree to disagree and stop the divisiveness.

DEAD SOLDIER'S MUM AN INSPIRATATION TO US ALL

ROSE Gentle is in Oxford, attending the inquest into her son Gordon's death in Iraq.

I met her last Thursday as she left the court and we chatted. It seemed surreal, I was there to perform comedy and she had just spent the day hearing how her young soldier son died in a roadside bomb attack that apparently could have been prevented as he didn't have the available protective clothing or equipment.

It made me proud to be a Scottish mother. Since Gordon's death, Rose has campaigned and pressured the government over the safety issues surrounding our troops in war zones. So far ten amendments have been made to the basic uniforms and she won't rest until every UK solider has the proper equipment to protect them in frontline fire.

She hasn't had time to grieve, she has been too busy trying to keep other people's sons and daughters safe.

I'M HAVING A GAY OLD TIME HOPING HOMOPHOBE ISN'T SCOTTISH

I WAS standing outside the Vauxhall Tavern in London on Halloween night.

It's a famous gay club that hosts a comedy gig where I was performing.

I was having a quick ciggie with some audience members when a dirty old drunk weirdo shuffled up and offered to take me for a quick "cuddle" under Vauxhall Bridge.

"I am sorry, but my dance card is full," I said.

"Oh! I am Scottish as well!" he shouted into my face. "I am from Bridgeton and I love King Billy. You shouldn't hang about with these homosexuals!"

"So should I hang around with a homophobic, religious bigot and smelly old Scottish alcoholic instead?" I challenged.

"Well, at least I am not gay," he argued back and ran down the street swearing with his coat flapping in the wind.

I am hoping he was a Halloween character and not a real Scottish person.