NEDS ARE PART OF WHAT MAKES US GREAT

MURIEL Gray, in her new position as "ambassador" for Scotland's tourism, said recently: "We can't have river walkways full of graffiti and vandals or town centres full of rowdy, horrible, frightening drunks if we genuinely want to compete with the great cities of the world".

Basically, she is referring to the sumptuous amount of neds that inhabit our lovely land. That inimitable track-suited, Burberry-capped, bling-wearing, beer-swigging, nasal-whining, scratch-card-addicted section of our Scottish society.

I love every one of them. They represent the unusual concoction of humanity that we live amongst.

I respect Muriel Gray and I know what she is getting at but I feel she is missing the point about our fair land.

Who is to say that, if our Scottish towns were chock-full only of cous cous-eating, mung-bean-buying, sandal-wearing, Jeep- driving, pashmina-addicted, tofu toffs, that we would thrive better as a society? I don't think so.

I assume the presumption is middle-class, well-dressed folks don't ever get drunk and shout in the street? Well trust me, they do.

I live in the West End of Glasgow and you just have to head up the Byres Road to see the toffs go mad on a Saturday night.

"Shut up Sebastian, I swear there will be no more Bollinger for you! I detest your insubordinate attitude, now eat your sushi and shut up!" is still drunken shouting in any language.

Imagine a world where everyone is called Paloma, Torquil or Tara and no-one shouts loudly in the street or dares to wear their trousers tucked into their socks and where would you be? You would be in Chelsea, where the haves and have-yachts live in a scary, security-gated semi-utopia.

Neds, chavs, scally's, call them what you like, they are part of our culture and they have brought their own spending power. They consume the latest expensive designer wear like scabby dogs eat scabby pies.

The middle classes baulk at the thought of some Shannon Lee from Dundee donning the latest Louboutin footwear. How dare the classless scum assume they can step into the shoes of the rich?

Scotland is a diverse country. Aren't we supposed to treat every culture with respect? We should not discriminate against people's belief systems or their particular dress sense.

I am from Shettleston in the East End of Glasgow, not the most affluent des res to hail from in any post code competition... and I am proud of it.

I come from people who get drunk and write on walls - it's not legal, but I have seen some artwork on public walls up in the West End of Glasgow and trust me, that ain't art!

Middle-class people can go to any open public park, spread out their organic cotton picnic rug, pop open a bottle of Kristal and choff down their posh nosh and the local parkie wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Yet, if some loud shell-suited plebs sat down on a plastic bag and cracked open a can of Lidl lager, the police would be called and they would be moved on.

Is it because they aren't middle class enough to enjoy a beer in the sun? If they understood the difference between the new world wines and a vintage European bottle would we forgive them?

Scotland is famous the globe over for its range of whacky characters and they exist in every great city around the world.

I visited Wellington in New Zealand last year and met the famous semi-naked "blanket man" who lives on the streets. He is a Maori who has dreadlocks and wraps his naked body in a sheet and sings loudly to the passers-by. He was amazing and it was good to recognise that every city has its own individuality.

On a New York street this year, I encountered heaps of shouting drunks and they made me yearn for Glasgow. You see - every great city has its own people. These people make up the tapestry that is humanity and if people from abroad don't want to see drunks or graffiti then they should go visit Disneyland every year.

The streets are washed daily, booze is banned and smiley people dressed as smiley animals shake your hand everywhere you go. How scary is that?

People from all over will always visit Scotland. We may shout, we may drink too much, we may even write crap on the walls but, as the old saying goes, "Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Gie few - an' they're a' deid!"

LEAVE US A JOB POLICY THAT WORKS

LAST week, at the Labour Party conference in Bournemouth, Gordon Brown stated that he wanted to implement an initiative of "British jobs for British workers".

Young Polish people are coming in their thousands to the UK and working well in our hotels and bars in this country because they work hard.

They learn the language, currency and culture so they can earn a living.

I know my daughter would never bother to learn a language or culture to go to work in a bar abroad to make some cash, and she has no intention of ever working as a chambermaid in some hotel.

If British young people don't want to be hotel staff and barmaids, then those jobs should go to people who are prepared to work hard and travel far enough to get them.

BEAUTY IS SKIN DEEP IF YOU'RE WHITE

SKIN-LIGHTENING cream is a huge business in the Indian sub-continent.

There is a current furore as the Bollywood star Shah Rukh Kahn appears in a UK TV advert for the controversial skin product.

In India having darker skin leads to the assumption you are poor. Young Indian women are told to keep out of the sun because men don't want a dark-skinned wife. It's an unpleasant state of affairs.

Activists in the arena of race issues claim black and Asian people in the UK use hair straightening products, skin lightening creams and cosmetic surgery to look more acceptable in British society.

Meanwhile, thousands of young white women and men are risking melanoma cancer to make their skin darker!

What's more, fake tan and sun beds are a huge multi-million pound industry. It seems it's OK for people to look dark skinned as long as they're white underneath.

BRUSH UP ON YOUR EMOTIONS AND RAISE CASH FOR CHARITY

LAST week I donated to charity one of the paintings that I created for Arthur Smith's award-winning Arturart exhibition.

It is being auctioned on eBay for the Samaritans in Edinburgh after one of their volunteers came to see my chat show at the Fringe and we became friends.

The painting is in acrylic on canvas and contains phrases and narrative; for example the bottom right-hand corner has the words "Nobody knows who I pretend to be".

There are also some swear words and eBay has had to censorsome sections of the images.

Despite the painting having some strong language, the Samaritans loved it and said it represented some of the emotions that they deal with daily.

The auction ends on Wednesday and when I last looked the bidding stood at £200.

So if you fancy a piece of art and would like to help a worthwhile cause, please check the Samaritan site at www.edinburghsamaritans.org