GORDON 'THE WARDEN' IS GOING TO POT

Presbyterian Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who has only been in office less than a month is set to rethink the cannabis classification, he is reviewing the super casinos and the government is debating whether it was right to allow bars to stay open longer.

What next? A cross country run, a good cold bath and a day in Church to stem the boredom?

I am particularly peeved about the cannabis laws being reversed, as this will only confuse people further. The drugs laws as they stand are as foggy as a Labour Lord's explanation of his Peerage.

'Gordon the Warden' Brown told MPs that the legal status of cannabis would be re-examined by Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary and self confessed ex- pot head.

Whitehall sources later confirmed that the review was almost certain to result in its reclassification as a class B drug. This is based on recent reports that cannabis causes mental illness.

There has been much made of the scientific community telling us cannabis can induce mental health problems and can trigger schizophrenia.

I am sure there are people who have had issues with smoking cannabis and ended up in mental health care, but is there strong enough evidence to prove that the cannabis incited their illness? Were there no underlying mental health issues that even alcohol could have triggered?

The Prime Minister reportedly has “a personal instinct” that cannabis should be reclassified.

But, according to a review carried out by UK drugs information service Drugscope, the evidence of any long-term mental health effects of cannabis is far from clear-cut. It is possible, says Drugscope, that cannabis precipitates schizophrenia in people who would have developed it anyway.

I believe there are people who do have a reaction to cannabis, the way people have a reaction to penicillin and they should avoid it at all costs, but to say that cannabis actually causes emotional and mental breakdowns seems too far-fetched for me. And too easy for the government to start wringing their hands and conveniently handing down another night on the naughty step in the Nanny State that we have become.

Last week there were queues of politicians apologising for their youthful misdemeanours. We had a gaggle of MPs blabbering to anyone that would listen about how they once used cannabis in their student days. They went on to say it was wrong what they did, without explaining why.

Apparently as long as you say you never enjoyed it, then you're not breaking the law. If cannabis is so unappealing, how come so many of them smoked it? The hypocrisy is appalling. Why should people be jailed for smoking dope when these politicians have admitted to the same thing?

The majority of these public school ponces were probably smoking the purest, cleanest cannabis a posh kid could buy.

Meanwhile, our Draconian laws will ensure that the youngsters of today will be smoking some rubbish that a dodgy dealer has cut them as they save up for a trip to Holland to taste the real thing.

I owned a bar in the roughest part of Glasgow for 15 years and, trust me, the people who came in for soft drinks and who used soft drugs were the least of my problems. The worst they could do was to play Pink Floyd on the jukebox.

Handling a constant crowd of roaring drunk, mad, violent Glaswegians week-in, week-out makes any publican beg for the licence of a Hash Café.

Yet no-one bans alcohol and it causes more deaths in Scotland than we care to admit.

We had three guys who drank in our bar who were suffering from schizophrenia and, over a period of six years, all three had attacked random strangers with a Samurai sword and swore God had told them to do so.

None of them had used cannabis and two of them had alcohol problems.

Samurai swords and alcohol are still on sale and so far God hasn't been banned, yet cannabis is the demon drug.

Cannabis should be controlled and legalised in my opinion; cut out the dirty dealers and make sure there is tax revenue worth coining in.

I smoked cannabis and I am not apologising to anyone for it. It helped my period pains and gave me relief from nightmares. I don't drink and I have never had any mental health issues and I am not addicted to cannabis either.

The problem with cannabis is that, until it is made legal, it will remain a currency for criminals. Many occasional users are forced to frequent drug dens to get their supply or they risk breaking more laws by growing it themselves for personal use.

The streets of most major cities in the UK are knee deep in binge drinkers at the weekend whilst the majority of the cannabis smokers are sitting at home having a good puff and possibly a civilised game of cards. They won't be able to puff in peace for long if Gordon gets his way.

It's been 40 years since homosexuality was legalised, let's hope Mr Brown doesn't do a turn around and start bending this law backwards too.

THE ROMANIAN BEGGING GANGS ARE THE 'BIG ISSUE

"WHERE are all the Scottish Big Issue sellers?" my mate Kate asked as we walked down the Byres Road in Glasgow last week. "Hopefully they have all been housed," I answered optimistically.

She pointed out that every street corner had an Eastern European trying to sell the Big Issue. The guy who used to sell the Big Issue outside Greggs opposite Hillhead Underground has been replaced by a Romanian woman.

Glasgow has been deluged with Romanian begging gangs since the start of the year and I have now noticed fewer people buying the Big Issue. I suspect they don't trust the Romanian vendors.

I am sure the Big Issue staff are strict with their vendors' badges and we need to get over our suspicions and keep helping the homeless regardless of their nationality. But let's get tougher with the Romanian gangs who are using women and vulnerable kids to beg on our streets.

I HAD BEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE... THEN POLICE RAIDED US

I FEEL excited and weird about becoming a chat show host at the Edinburgh Fringe this year.

I will have three guests a day, so there will be lots to talk about. The guests coming up on my chat show at the Green Room include Pink Floyd bassist Guy Pratt, Edwina Currie, Julian Clary, Nicholas Parsons, Arthur Smith and a man who makes tunes from his own farts called Mr Methane.

I have met loads of really famous people; I have talked to and been kissed by George Clooney, I have had a gab with Jake Gylenhall and chatted to Woody Allen. Yet it's the unusual and unexpected people that always stick in my mind.

One of the best conversations of my life was when I had a midnight picnic with a homeless drug addict called Bizzy in Piccadilly a few years ago. He was fascinating and so funny. He could recite entire movies playing all the parts.

It ended in a police raid but he was great company.

FRINGE T-SHIRTS

THE things we do to get our shows noticed at the Edinburgh Fringe! I got a few tee shirts made to help advertise my comedy show saying:

TELL IT LIKE IT IS
JANEY GODLEY
PLEASANCE DOME

I really did underestimate the size of my bosom and shape of the text when ordering the tee shirts. I should have gone for Extra Large chest size. 

Because when I pulled it on over my gigantic boobs, the words looked all distorted and askew.  

All you can see is four words on top of each other that say LIKE – GOD – PLEAS  – DO

The last thing I need is for excited Christians to turn up at the Pleasance Dome looking for a happy-clappy, tambourine-shaking, bible thumper.

Unless those excited Christians have an open mind and love good honest comedy.

Bring your own tambourine!