SHOCK TACTICS MUST BE USED TO DRIVE HOME SAFE-SEX MESSAGE

'NO, CHLAMYDIA is not a pop group," I interjected when I heard two girls sitting on a bus reading an advert as we sped past billboards: "It's a sexually transmitted disease that's on the rise."

The two teenagers looked at me with wide eyes and one said: "It just said look out for chlamydia and I thought it was a new all-girl group!" I was horrified.

Young people today are not as aware of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) as they were when I was in my twenties.

Despite the worldwide web and our constant need for downloads and the latest technology, we still haven't communicated enough to our younger generation about the dire consequences of STDs and they are becoming an epidemic.

I was guest speaker at a new AIDS and HIV charity launched in Edinburgh last week, and it struck me how out of the loop we are on the rise of HIV among heterosexuals in Scotland.

We are now aware that AIDS is killing kids in Africa, but people need to be aware about this insidious disease on our own doorstep.

Back in the late 1980s, when I owned a bar in Glasgow, I organised safe-sex information nights in conjunction with an AIDS charity. I felt information at that time was usually only targeted towards the gay community and drug addicts. Our ordinary locals loved the fun nights we put on: there were pop quizzes with safe-sex messages, loads of information available and free condoms on the bar.

Today, HIV is not synonymous with drug addicts and gays any more. In fact, according to the latest figures, an increased percentage of people who have become HIV positive in the UK are heterosexual.

There are websites in the UK where women advertise sex and many offer sex without a condom for a higher charge; the only prerequisite is that you "look clean" and this terrifies me.

How can they tell by looking at the clothes and skin of a person if they are "clean"?

People are still taking unbelievable risks.

My brother Jim has been HIV positive since 1986. Back in the 1980s, I was worried about his prognosis and I never thought he would live this long, yet he recently fought cancer and came through that as well. He is still on his feet and as fighting fit as can be.

Medicine has developed greatly in the past decades and people with HIV can now live longer lives. Medication and early detection is of the utmost importance. But people need to know what they are up against in order to fight it.

There has to be more awareness of STDs, not just the token advert on a billboard. It is possible that our youth are desensitised to the subtle style of safe-sex campaigns.

Maybe we have to approach it differently.

I can still recall the big tombstone campaign about HIV and AIDS. That has stuck with me. There has to be a way of making young men and women aware of their sexual health or we are facing another 20 years of dealing with the spread of disease through ignorance.

People today need more hard-hitting, shocking campaigns to make them sit up and take notice.

If they can play really horrific violent video games and sing along to dark, evil rap songs, then they can handle the slap-bang fear of catching a disease that can kill them.

Links to or downloads from a sexual health website should be more prominent on student or school websites which youngsters can access easily without shame or stigma attached to it.

I sat down and asked my daughter, who is 21-years-old, if she knew the symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease.

She is aware of using condoms and how to protect herself.

Yet, to my dismay and horror, she didn't even know what it was she was supposed to be looking for in other STDs. So I made sure she knew and chided myself for not having told her before. It is my duty to make sure she knows.

Parents need to be open and honest with their kids.

Drug users are more than aware of the dangers of needle swapping; the homosexual community is up to speed on the horrors of unprotected sex; yet, if some teenagers are still confused about chlamydia, what chance do they have against HIV?

MISTAKEN IDENTITY COULD HAVE MAGICAL EFFECT

WHEN I arrived at a charity launch last week I chatted outside to a photographer.

He asked me what involvement I had in the charity and then asked what I would be doing at the event. I told him I was a guest speaker and he then said: "You know Jade Goody is coming tonight? The organiser told me."

I giggled and replied: "Actually, I don't think she is - the organiser has obviously got an interesting accent and it's Janey Godley who is coming along to talk."

"Really? Who is she then?" he asked.

"Me," I replied.

I laughed my head off.

That's two weeks of mistaken identity. Last week, I got confused with Jade Goody and, the week before, people got my show mixed up with Bonnie Langford's.

If only people could buy my book, Handstands in the Dark, thinking it was the latest Harry Potter tome, I would be over the moon. That's one mistaken identity I wouldn't mind!

WHY TV MISTAKES DRAW HARSH WORDS

THE BBC has been slated over "faking" reality on television.

I too have been a victim of misrepresentation by TV.

I was a participant in Kings of Comedy on E4/C4 in 2004. It was a reality TV show where they put some old-school comics in with newer alternative comics. One episode went out on a Sunday lunchtime, uncensored, and a viewer complained that the C-word was used on air by a woman.

Channel 4 apologised and Ofcom, the media regulator, issued a press release stating it was ME who had said the offending word. But neither Channel 4 or Ofcom had bothered to check the tapes.

I threatened to sue Ofcom and received an official apology: I am the only stand-up comic ever to receive an apology from Ofcom. I would never use bad language on radio or TV.

Selective editing can damage someone's image. The Queen and I finally have something in common.

ONE MORE ROW AND YOU TWO ARE EVICTED

LAST week husband and I had a big, fiery, mental, angry shouting match. We screamed into each others' faces and I finally walked out, slamming the door.

It happens - not often - but we can go mad occasionally. I won the fight, of course, as I am always right, aren't I?

We made up and headed off to Balmaha to have lunch with my niece who was camping with her kids.

The day went remarkably well considering it had started with a fight over dirty cups and who can vacuum better.

Our daughter, Ashley, came home after her rehearsals in Edinburgh.

She sat us both down and gave us a long lecture about bickering and fighting. She had been in her bedroom as the sparks flew earlier in the day.

"If I hear any more yelling, I swear I will throw you both out!" she shouted. We got the biggest telling off of our lives.

I wonder how she is going to pay the mortgage?