GUN PROTESTS PUT LIFE INTO PERSPECTIVE

SO HERE I am sitting in a wee apartment in Manhattan, New York, writing my column. Very Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, I hear you say. But, no, it's not.

My apartment isn't wonderfully huge with an array of rooms to walk through as my own voice does a narration of my daily sexual conquests, fashion problems and emotional dramas; my flat takes three strides and you have circumnavigated the whole floor space.

The flat has a brick wall view in the bedroom and, in the living room/dining/kitchen area, the windows look out onto a small back court.

It can only be described as a caravan but in a building, as the tiny cooker is squeezed next to a single teensy sink which is attached to a fold up bed. Yet I love the place; it's so cool and located next to the Empire State Building.

I got the apartment from a lovely Italian lady who, in her description of the flat, clearly over-sold the amazing views of sunsets over Manhattan. The sky isn't actually visible at any point from the two small windows; I assume you have to climb out onto the fire escape, mount fifteen flights of stairs and stand on your tiptoes to catch a glimpse of the helicopter-filled sky!

I have to admit she did tell me that there were squirrels that inhabit the communal court out the back but this she really didn't do justice to, as every single day on the fire escape opposite mine five big cats battle it out with a gang of grey squirrels.

As I write, the big fat ginger cat is clawing at two wiry wee brave but possibly suicidal squirrels who are attempting to jump onto the hanging metal bars. It really is like a scene from West Side Story, without the dancing and singing but more with nuts and clawing cats. I cannot take my eyes off them; I may sit here all day.

A walk into Times Square was inevitable and I got there just in time to witness a huge street demonstration. There were about twenty women lying on the pavement wearing black, purple and orange ribbons around their necks to represent the colours of the Virginia Tech where a student killed 32 on a shooting rampage.

Two other women held up a banner that displayed ProtestEasyGuns.com.

They are ordinary Americans from all across the political spectrum who want the laws changed on the easy availability of guns in the US.

There was a huge presence of police and the press corps all around the protestors, who were surrounded by metal barriers.

As I climbed onto the fence to get a better look, a big fat burly man came rushing towards me; he thrust a card into my face and shouted, “These people are trying to stop our freedom and liberty. Don't listen to them. We have the right to bear arms!”

His card poked my face, so pushed him and screamed back: “Mate, you don't need a gun - you almost took my eye out with your flyer!”

The women protestors lying on the hot ground started laughing and as they stood up I applauded them. The burly man insisted I took his flyer.

I read it and it turned out to be from Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership.

Apparently they believe that the US Government is creating crisis to justify the passing of draconian legislation to restrict the freedom of individuals and they want no political or emotional protest to sway the government against the right to bear arms. This is a hotly debated issue in the US especially in light of the recent events at the Virginia Tech.

We have so much gun crime in the UK and it scares me to even think about it. I hate the very sight of guns and I can speak from experience. Years ago, my father-in-law's house was raided by the police and they found loads of guns and I ended up being wrongfully charged with possession of the weapons, although I was later released without prosecution.

I am glad those days are behind me now and I still firmly believe that people who own guns, possess them for a reason and that's to use them.

I WAS STUBBED OUT BY A DOGGED NEW YORKER

I HAVE made the fatal mistake of taking up the evil smoking again and of all the places to start I have picked New York.

Yesterday, outside a café, I sat down, lit up and tried to relax as seventeen police cars screamed past in one long row and made a noise level something akin to the pyramid stage at Glastonbury.

A woman leaned over and told me that smoking wasn't allowed outside the café and could I put my cigarette out as the smoke affected her breathing. She added that smoking pollutes her environment. I would have thought the sheer amount of carbon monoxide that pumped out of the cars would have done that.

To make matters worse, she sat there and let her wee lap dog poo on the street and walked off. I tried not to pick it up and throw it at her head whilst shouting: “Yes! And your dog-poo pollutes my flip-flops when I stand in it”

COUNTER P.O. PLOT

JOHN Swinney, our Finance Secretary, has pledged to do everything in his power to fight post office closures. Apparently about 200 are set to close in Scotland.

I love my local post office on Maryhill Road and would crumble without it. It serves a large chunk of the elderly that live in the surrounding sheltered housing cooperative at George's Cross.

A lot of those elderly people who value their independence would suffer as they don't use the internet and the nearest post office is in the city centre and that's a bus ride away. It's not just a post office; its where the locals meet and chat as they often spend their days alone and this is invaluable to many communities.

Our post office is truly wonderful and bizarre as every single one of the five counter assistants has red hair and millions of freckles. Even the Asian man who owns it has got ginger hair that alone makes it worth saving.

APPLE'S BITE AT FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Apple has gone sour over the recent advert from Ann Summers, the sex shop specialist.

The latest lady tool from the high street erotica emporium is an iGasm: you hook it up to your iPod, download some banging tunes and it will vibrate in sync to your favourite beat.

Apple is annoyed at the image used by the sex shop chain as it is too similar to their iconic iPod logo.

Personally I would be more worried if my iPod was hooked up and raring to go and in my excitement I chose the wrong play list and suddenly Max Bygraves slipped into my ear.

That's not something I could recover from.

Then again, his hit song “You Need Hands” may be the right tune I needed all along.